Category: Blog

Surviving Midterms Week (With My Sanity Intact), Winter Cleaning, and Mazda CX-5s

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Honestly, I worrying my ass off when it comes to school. Not sure if I should be worrying at all but that’s just me. If I’m over and done worrying about one thing, another dilemma seems to rears its ugly head. It’s late and I’m calling it a night, especially on reading “The General Prologue” of the Canterbury Tales by Chaucer. Enough with the “eeks” and “greye as glas” speak. I’m ready to see the insides of my eyelids. But, before I do that, I thought I’d update on how life has been.

When it comes to school, it seems that my financial aid has come through and I’m just going to keep going to keep it. I’m still taking five classes so far and I’m pretty much swamped. I don’t know how people work full-time and go to school full-time. I don’t think you’re any better but whatever it is that you’re doing, good for you. :P I have a midterm paper for an English class on Medieval period literature, a midterm exam on US history, and a final on World History. I have to read about ten ancient English stories by next week and I feel like I am going to die … a very horrible death. I’m ahead in my classes but I feel so behind. When is enough ever enough?

Financial stresses are virtually non-existent but I think I may acquire some new debt because I think I’ve waited long enough to change my apartment. It looks okay now but I really want to paint and throw out sofas, armchairs, Christmas crap, etc. There’s a lot of stuff (I feel like) and I’d like to get all this stuff out by the end of the year. I’m going to U-haul all this crap down the street to Goodwill and call it a day!

I’m still sure that we’ll be getting a car in the first to second quarter of next year and that’s about it for that. I can say I’m a decent driver but my self-doubt is seriously killing me. I just don’t feel confident enough and it’s understandable. So instead of complaining about it, I’m going to make an appointment to start taking driving lessons tomorrow with Lem’s Driving School. I don’t care about the money because I just need a few hours to get my shit straight. Can’t deny me if I’ve got the money, right? I can finally get rid of my permit. The only reason why I wasn’t able to get my license when I was 17 was because after my dad passed away that year, a series of events lead to me not keeping the car that was left to me by my dad. So from then on, I didn’t have a car to practice or use for my test.

When it comes to the car, I’ve considered many models and when me and Pete narrow down to one that could be “the one,” engineering or performance issues surface and we have no choice but to consider other choices out there. I’m comfortable and knowledgeable of the car dealing process so I’m looking forward to doing most if not all of the work. We have the Mazda CX-5 in mind and if I get anything, it’s going to be the high-end model because we love technological packages and because leather is always going to be the best option when it comes to kids. That burns a $30K hole in the wallet but it’s fine because I’m sure we’ll drive it until the wheels fall off. Before then, we’re probably going to add another car to our little family.

I’m going to head to IKEA and Lowe’s either today (Monday) or tomorrow and let’s see what happens. Renovating the office is going to be about $1K-ish. I prefer to paint first before getting the new furniture but Pete has a different opinion on that issue.

I think socially, everyone has been getting along and it’s good that I don’t let my social life interfere with my general psyche these days. I think socializing is more of a recreation for me these days. It’s fun when it happens but I don’t need it to survive. I honestly don’t have any time these days. I even have to make appointments to play video games, which I usually do around this hour because I feel guilty doing it during the daytime when I could be studying. Since I’ll be taking harder classes by each semester after this one, I’m considering toning down on the classes to maybe four a semester and taking one or two classes in the summer to make up for it without the additional mental stress and wear and tear.

I’m probably going to blog later tonight because I need to get into my shopping escapades and how I finally found the right shade of foundation after being incorrectly matched THREE times from a Sephora associate. I’ve been doing a lot of hauls lately but once again, I just don’t have the time for it. I’ll get into my recent weight loss, Alexander McQueen handbags, and whether I should go blonde again or not in subsequent posts. Night and it’s going to be a busy day for me later. One final and a home improvement trip awaits! :)

Sad Business

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Honestly, I wish I had a car right about now. If I had a car, I wouldn’t have to tell the district manager that I can’t take on the role of becoming a shift leader because I had concerns about closing and transportation. It’s not worth it if I have to catch the second to the last bus or worse, end up not being able to get home if I miss the bus.

I’m not someone who has had everything and anything given down to me. A lot of people complain about not having this and that. I’m not living with my parents and complaining that I’m broke. At eighteen, the same year I had to start college, I took on a part-time job that made me work full-time hours so I could make rent and bills to support my mom and my brother. My mom had a portion of her SS check which helped but my brother never did shit for me. My grades suffered because of this. Maybe if I were luckier, my dad’s Pathfinder would’ve been mine but things didn’t happen that way especially when my brother went against my dad’s dying wishes and took the car for his own selfish needs. He got it impounded and by the time we found out, the bill was worth more than the car itself.

Sometimes, I get so angry because people don’t value what they have. Or maybe I was stupid to even hope to try this job out. Yes, we could’ve gotten a car and when I say we, I mean Peter and I. It’s not easy though. It’s not easy when you’re made to look like the bad guy in the eyes of your and his friends because you’re the one who manages the funds that your spouse can’t do because they spend and try to live above his or her means.

It kills me when people tell him that he should be the one managing his own money because it’s his money. Too bad, we got married and it’s not anymore. It pisses me off when I have money, it’s our money, but when it’s his money … well it’s his money. It’s like they think we haven’t tried that route with him managing the finances. Whoever does it better should do it and that’s me in this pair. It’s not helping that I’ve just paid off our credit cards and now all he talks about is getting a damn tablet.

Why the hell does one need a tablet when we have one already? There is no justifiable reason why we would need one. Because at this point, it’s not about want, it’s about need. I let him get a Macbook Pro this year and the desktop bought for him is just a year old. I let him open a phone line with another carrier to add to my Verizon and T-Mobile bills just so he could have the latest phone for work. It’s getting to the point when no is not enough. Do I have to smash everything down for him to get that I don’t want us getting anymore things we don’t need? A few days ago, he starts telling me that he wants a TV as a monitor. He already has three monitors on his desk.

I’m really tired and I wish this compulsive spending of his would stop. I wish he would stop complaining that he is tired so he can get up and start taking an initiative to improving his health. I don’t understand how I can buy him a full meal and the next hour, he says he’s hungry. What the hell is this kind of shit?

I have to deal with all this mental stress and cook and keep the house clean? There are people who are worse off than me. I don’t stay in physically abusive relationships and I’m lucky to never have experience one that is in the romantic sense. I can barely feed myself anymore. I’ve gone from being able to sit at the Chinese buffet for six hours to not even able to stomach more than a cheeseburger. I love eating and I love experiencing new foods but we went through hard times. If I eat, I don’t feel like I’m eating. I don’t feel it at all.

There is no support. Not from my mother or my family.

I’m surprised I’ve made it this far feeling this way.

Hah, I thought of a mean joke:

What’s the difference between a modern man and a gentleman? When a gentleman has money, he showers all of his love on his wife and her needs. When a modern man has money, he spends it all on himself.

I don’t know, maybe I’ll feel better about this later.