Honestly, I wish I had a car right about now. If I had a car, I wouldn’t have to tell the district manager that I can’t take on the role of becoming a shift leader because I had concerns about closing and transportation. It’s not worth it if I have to catch the second to the last bus or worse, end up not being able to get home if I miss the bus.

I’m not someone who has had everything and anything given down to me. A lot of people complain about not having this and that. I’m not living with my parents and complaining that I’m broke. At eighteen, the same year I had to start college, I took on a part-time job that made me work full-time hours so I could make rent and bills to support my mom and my brother. My mom had a portion of her SS check which helped but my brother never did shit for me. My grades suffered because of this. Maybe if I were luckier, my dad’s Pathfinder would’ve been mine but things didn’t happen that way especially when my brother went against my dad’s dying wishes and took the car for his own selfish needs. He got it impounded and by the time we found out, the bill was worth more than the car itself.

Sometimes, I get so angry because people don’t value what they have. Or maybe I was stupid to even hope to try this job out. Yes, we could’ve gotten a car and when I say we, I mean Peter and I. It’s not easy though. It’s not easy when you’re made to look like the bad guy in the eyes of your and his friends because you’re the one who manages the funds that your spouse can’t do because they spend and try to live above his or her means.

It kills me when people tell him that he should be the one managing his own money because it’s his money. Too bad, we got married and it’s not anymore. It pisses me off when I have money, it’s our money, but when it’s his money … well it’s his money. It’s like they think we haven’t tried that route with him managing the finances. Whoever does it better should do it and that’s me in this pair. It’s not helping that I’ve just paid off our credit cards and now all he talks about is getting a damn tablet.

Why the hell does one need a tablet when we have one already? There is no justifiable reason why we would need one. Because at this point, it’s not about want, it’s about need. I let him get a Macbook Pro this year and the desktop bought for him is just a year old. I let him open a phone line with another carrier to add to my Verizon and T-Mobile bills just so he could have the latest phone for work. It’s getting to the point when no is not enough. Do I have to smash everything down for him to get that I don’t want us getting anymore things we don’t need? A few days ago, he starts telling me that he wants a TV as a monitor. He already has three monitors on his desk.

I’m really tired and I wish this compulsive spending of his would stop. I wish he would stop complaining that he is tired so he can get up and start taking an initiative to improving his health. I don’t understand how I can buy him a full meal and the next hour, he says he’s hungry. What the hell is this kind of shit?

I have to deal with all this mental stress and cook and keep the house clean? There are people who are worse off than me. I don’t stay in physically abusive relationships and I’m lucky to never have experience one that is in the romantic sense. I can barely feed myself anymore. I’ve gone from being able to sit at the Chinese buffet for six hours to not even able to stomach more than a cheeseburger. I love eating and I love experiencing new foods but we went through hard times. If I eat, I don’t feel like I’m eating. I don’t feel it at all.

There is no support. Not from my mother or my family.

I’m surprised I’ve made it this far feeling this way.

Hah, I thought of a mean joke:

What’s the difference between a modern man and a gentleman? When a gentleman has money, he showers all of his love on his wife and her needs. When a modern man has money, he spends it all on himself.

I don’t know, maybe I’ll feel better about this later.